#anyway. idk. sometimes i feel so stupid but this fear was idk a bit more than justa silly highschool 'what if i like them'and more

[horrorwebs]

i hate my best friend earlier i was like "im scared that this guy likes me bc he said something that i would only say to people who i like, but i recognize thats its a normal ass thing to say anyway and i rationally know he does not like me, but still, my brain decided to play with that concept and made me have a terrible nightmare the other night about it and now im subconsciously scared that he will like me ( with the underlying concept of "i am scared of men")" and shell go ohohioo what if youre projecting and its actually YOU that likes him. ????? bitch did you not hear the part about having a dream where he abused me or ...?sometimes being asexual is a nightmare nobody gets it

[r8kirani]

thinking about how when I was a kid and played harvest moon games and iou know how there's like bachelors and bachelorettes and shit right. anyways yeah I'm thinking back to when I was a kid playing tree of tranquility and I was like debating in my head all the like male candidates just deciding based on pure like, frivolous details like Oh he likes this he likes that idk because I mean i didn't really care about any of them past that but I still wanted to romance Somebody bc I was like idk 8? maybe older? pure sentimental love was just really on the mind. and I eventually decided Toby because idk he's a nature lover that's cool I like nature too. and he's super easy you just need to give him fish and he fucking loves it (eventually became a pattern for me see: Elliot stardew and Dylas RF4). but like in the middle of that I was always thinking about this girl in the game named Renee who was a farm girl that liked animals and how much I wanted to get closer to her, so I would try! I did try with gifts and stuff. and I thought she was really pretty and I wished we could be capable of being "best friends" in the game but wasn't sure of what that meant or what I wanted from her exactly. I thought maybe I wanted to be her. because like I was also a girl who really liked animals a lot. but then one day while trying to visit toby I witnessed a heart event between him and her and learned that apparently the more you befriend a bachelor your same gender the more they will grow close to a different bachelor and marry them? like rivals. and hers just happened to be toby too. and in that moment I felt like, some weird mixture of feelings, maybe jealousy? or irritation? because I chose toby first. I didn't think she should marry him. I didn't think she should marry anybody actually. So I stopped talking to her completely. I would see her every now and then and some part of me wanted to really interact with her but I felt too much fear and maybe a bit of hatred for her. anyways Toby and I got married in the game. I still didn't talk to her even if it was safe now. Marriage was cool but even as a stupid kid I Eventually got sick of Toby's lovey dove dialogue. I still played on a lot though cos I was hoping for my character to get a baby soon. I'd eye the way the tobyrenee baby looked like on the wiki sometimes. we never did though! and then I grew up from the Wii. anyways that's my story

[gaylienz]

sharing some of my ocd intrusive thoughts for the first time jic it might help someone else feel less alone;

the fear that i dont have enough friends and that all the ones i have are going to realize i’m not worth being around were some of the first thoughts that would NOT leave my mind and would keep me up and make me sick and ironically caused me to lose friends (a self fulfilling prophecy). tbh these are still some feelings i struggle with despite carrying on years long friendships now.

it hasn’t happened in a while but sometimes i would hyper focus on my breathing or swallowing or blinking etc and would drive myself to the point of tears with how it took up all my attention

the worst ones are the thoughts about incest. there’s been a lot of sexual trauma in my family and my brain likes to find the worst moments (like when i’m trying to jerk off or sleep) to remind me and torture me with all the what ifs. its gotten slightly better but i would have dreams/nightmares and memories from childhood haunt me

i used to do this really cool (/sarcasm) thing where i would be so self conscious about my race, being white-passing, and racist (aka a potential threat to any poc around) that it circled right back around to being super racist (another self fulfilling stupid prophecy) bc i would get nervous anytime someone not-white was around that they would be anxious about my presence….

classic suicidal thoughts even when im not feeling suicidal (something goes wrong even a little bit—my brain: well this wouldnt have happened if you were dead. me: wow thanks) even now today im struggling with the awful 'im gonna kill myself' jokes. trying to replace with 'i need rat bites to live' lol

the way i dealt with the obsessions was a combo of things which never really felt compulsive but now i see they might be? i used to read a lot. like to the point where i would skip meals and be inside for the entire day, unmoving. i liked reading but mostly it was how i kept my mind busy and away from other more dangerous thoughts.

i guess body-focused repetitive behaviors (BFRBs) are a thing with ocd which i didnt always know—basically its really gross and im ashamed of it but i autocannibalise….i’ve been doing so for as long as i can remember but im so ashamed i’ve never really talked about it bc i just thought i was disgusting (and maybe i am) but i catch myself doing it without thought which i believe is impulse (or habit?) idk but it hurts my body so probably would be considered mildly concerning? i've pulled out my hair and given myself many scars through this kind of stuff.

anyway just letting you know that you're not alone, don't be afraid to ask for help, and if that doesnt work then never give up and keep asking for help, be excellent to each other you never know what someone is experiencing <3

[osarina]

Hey hey hello!!

I know you are feeling down the past days but I hope it turns all better for you <3 especially with that upcoming trip :)

I don't know if you saw my previous ask or not but I forgot to mention how the song I recommend earlier [ilomilo-billie eilish] fitted much better after the reader in badlands died rather than before...my stupid mind remembered this info after I hit ask and I couldn't stop worrying about it 😅

I also had a little idea of uu!dazai sharing hos own memories of the reader and their death before his own to badlands!dazai before he jumped :'( and badlands dazai freaking out before calming down vowing in his heart to protect the reader just to fail and then get dejavu (*evil laugh*) don't know if this bit is useful to you in that promised last fic of badlands or not but just wanted to share this :D

It could be annoying but I really feel like you should have more appreciation of your way of writing. Not just the characters, but how you write thoughts, feelings, dialogue and even the background scenes are fantastic. I also really like fics that match the vibe of the character it's written about. This is subtley shown in your writing especially with dazai. Even in the happiest fluffy fics, I feel like it always has this light melancholy feel which I hate and love at the same time. I hope you achieve whatever you want to!

Omg This is so long💀 I am so sorry if it was annoyingly long cause I was nervous abt sending you an ask and if I ever do it, then all of those repressed asks come tumbling down and God I am getting embarrassed so byee fyo :>

TUMBLR USER SNOWSILVER2000 AGAIN, im sorry im so slow at answering asks LOLLL i fear that i am the worst forgive me. im sending u all of the love my sweet lil lovebug

OMG I HAVEN'T GOTTEN THE CHANCE TO LISTEN YET SO NOW ILL BE SURE TO KEEP THAT IN MIND WHEN LISTENING <33 see its a good thing sometimes that im abysmally slow at answering asks.

OH MY GODDDDDDD UU DAZAI SOMEHOW BEING ABLE TO WARN BADLANDS DAZAI OF EVERYTHING AND BADLANDS DAZAI STILLLL NOT BEING ABLE TO STOP IT ?? THAT'S SO TRAGIC ILL WEEP, no because i imagine badlands dazai would also be soo overwhelmed by all of the memories too, like idk if you mean uu!dazai shares ALL of his memories with badlands!dazai or only about badlands!reader and what he knows of her ... but could u imagine he shares all of his memories and now badlands dazai has to cope with the fact that he gets reader killed in every universe .. maybe distances himself from her ... and then it all turns out that way anyway ... UGHHHHH waterloo is sooooo tragic. i love tragic romance.

tumblr user silversnow2000 you are so sweet i'll actually cry. that's actually something i try to keep in mind, especially while writing for dazai, because i feel like even in his happiest moments, he'll always be a bit withdrawn and solemn. imo dazai will never rid himself of that air of melancholy that follows him and it genuinely makes me so happy to hear that it translates into my fics. but truly tumblr user silversnow2000 you are so kind to me this was the sweetest compliment anyone has ever given to me, im straight up about to print this and like hang it on my wall for real.

DON'T EVER APOLOGIZE AND DON'T EVER HESITATE TO COME INTO MY ASKBOX, i might take forever to answer them, but they always make me so happy and warm. you're always sooooo happily welcomed here trust <3

[tefmiles]

alright so this is gonna be stupid sounding because i’m like. not bothering to go and get actual examples and stuff from the transcripts but i might if i make a mistake writing this 😭 anyways. i havveee been seeing people talking about cecil and carlos and particularly how carlos is like. a shitty guy and i’d like to try and explain how people might be getting that idea but also explore the fact that he’s not a shitty guy. i think, foremost, what makes carlos appear like he’s not a good person is his secrecy, his self-isolation from others, his tendency to run away from problems, and IMPORTANTLY his sudden/irrational desision making. 

i’d first off like to say part of carlos’s character is defined by how kinda inconsistent finknor writes him. that’s often, atleast to me, why he seems impulsive, because we don’t get a lead up to his big moments ( ie, the dow decision ). but also to me i know that he has ptsd!!! and he’s autistic!!, which isn’t actually brought up a lot by people when talking about him so it makes sense that like him always being away from people and always keeping secrets and lying with his actions comes off as just being shitty. 

carlos isolates and runs away and keeps secrets because of his past and because of fear ( and a little bit of autism if you ask me ). and he is hurting people by doing this. but he also has heart. and he is written as a very genuine person. he has extreme confliction and lots of things going on that as the listener we do not know about… i don’t think he’s awful. i think he’s got lots going on and he’s a bit of a victim of just how. finknor wrote him and continue to write him. playing him as a the villain is kinda fucked up especially when people say “ he treats cecil so bad!!! “…… girl you must consider they have a very complex relationship and neither of them are perfect. i would also add that like in early seasons carlos was definitely elevated above other characters by cecil and now that that has changed, and we see more of him and not just him being “ perfect “, the listeners view of him changes. 

i don’t think carlos is a bad person but i think his actions come off as bad because he is incredibly determined to make sure that things are safe. that things are solved. in it devours, carlos suddenly decides to kill the smiling god after wanting to preserve it to study it. he makes that sudden decision because the damage of what the animal can do outweighs his scientific intrigue. the same notion of him switching between ideas happens often. sometimes he doesn’t realize what he is doing is hurting others, like when his machine is what causes the tremors in it devours. like how in order to preserve a feeling of safety, in order to not have to deal with actually acknowledging his fears, he keeps the 10 years a secret from cecil. 

idk how to end this bitch i wrote this in my notes app ok gootbye

[spilledmilkfkdies]

PART 2: Outside the Circle Edition

Hiii we're back, I slept and now my hair is bleached. The events are unrelated, but imagine if they weren't. Let's continue <3 This one might be a bit more controversial than the last one, because unlike with the wizard x wizard ships, there are certain ones that I do dislike this time around. I'm not sure to what extent I've said some of these things before, I used to be kinda scared of. Having opinions. It be like that sometimes idk

I'm gonna start with some Black Circle x Major fairy thoughts, because I have those! There's some interesting ones!!

Sibylla x Gantlos has some incredible art, genuinely adorable. I don't mind them at all. Actually I think I've seen Sibylla with a couple of them, but her and Gantlos >> imo. Nebula has been shipped as well, I remember at least Ogron x Nebula and Duman x Nebula, but there might be more idk. It sure is interesting, can't deny that, especially depending on when the relationship happens. Ig that'd be the case with all wizard x terrestrial fairy ships though- There are way more combinations than I'm listing rn, but I just wanna say. Making Anagan specifically someone's ex. Would be extremely funny to me. Bonus points if it's Diana.

Moving on to wizards x specialists. Those have entered my peripheral a couple of times.

I've come across Ogron x Helia, like once. Doesn't do anything for me, but if we're asking what I know? There you go. Add it to the list ig. There's also Riven x Duman (duriven), some of their art serves cunt fr, it has no right to do that. But I once had a joke conversation with someone about them sharing a dad and now I think about that sometimes when the topic of them comes up. Maybe they could have a funny friendship, but I haven't consumed any Riven content in a hot minute so who knows. Another one I actually have something to say about is Anagan x Duman x Timmy?? Terrorised by both of them the whole season, which isn't the dealbreaker, but. I already made this joke in the previous part idc Duman and Anagan really pulled a "My boyfriend and I love your vibe fr" on his ass, that's what this feels like. Intrigued! Timmy’s gonna get eaten alive though. Poor guy.

Anyway! I'm generally not the biggest fan of shipping them with specialists, maybe I just don't know enough idk- However. I cannot move on without mentioning. The dreaded Nabu x Duman (naman). Now, I don't remember who started it, not counting the fics that already existed, but I know who has been actively encouraging and enjoying this in my own social circle. So really it's her fault. The ship is funny to me, I can't say it's not. Just something about Duman going "I'd love a man that could destroy me. Like just straight up kill me lol." and it being TRUE, because mind you, Nabu killing him is a vital part of this ship. It's so stupid fr. 2/10 I do recommend.

Next is the big one. Black Circle x Winx. Ngl I struggle to keep track of all the combinations I've seen at this point, also fear having to make a part 3 so I'm just gonna. Speedrun through a couple.

Least offensive, so to say, is probably Flora x Anagan (floranagan?). I don't ship it, but I get why others might! Flora x Ogron (flogron??) has a fair bit of stuff as well, that one I get slightly less, but Flora slay ig? I don't really like any of Musa's ships, I know she at least has Musa x Gantlos and Musa x Duman, but eh. They're not for me. Neither is Duman x Tecna, I think about that combination sometimes. Also legally cannot move on without at least mentioning Stella x Duman (dumella). Duman gets around for REAL. Still interesting as a duo, but in terms of shipping I could really take or leave them. They're fine, but I'm sticking with a platonic route if any at all.

Most of these I'm just. Not the biggest fan of. Wouldn't say I'm a straight up hater, but you're probably never gonna see content of it from me, y'know??

What I am a hater of, a proud hater, is Ogron x Roxy. Some people say the winx are too young, that's fair, sure- But Roxy?? That is a CONFIRMED teenage girl. Shipped with a facial-hair-having man. At least an adult, possibly centuries old. Same goes for Roxy x Duman as well btw, the points still apply, minus the facial hair. Not a fan at all. It's a shame too, because there's plenty of fun dynamics you can try out with them that don't involve romance. Actually that goes for a lot of Black Circle x whoever outside the Circle ships.

Enter stage left, Black circle x other villains.

Starting off with the Trix, and kinda speedrunning them too, a lot of their ships I’d prefer to keep platonic as well, I think that could be fun. Don’t really get where Ogron x Stormy came from, they’re like the least likely duo to me. Maybe that’s the appeal, maybe I should brush up on my Trix knowledge. Darcy could probably have some fun dynamics as well, but again, not necessarily in a romantic way. I’ve seen her pull both Anagan and Duman though, go off bestie. Actually so has Stormy. At the same time. Icy’s ships are kinda meh to me in this, I’ve seen a couple, they just don’t really click for me. They should all hang out though, the general collab potential isn’t lost on me.

Next up! Valtor. Lots of people out here making them fight, which, valid!! But have you considered. All of them getting brunch. The Black Circle inviting Valtor over for tea. Give the man some wizard friends. Valtor x Ogron is kinda fun, but they lowkey strike me as a couple that would never last long term. If that makes sense. Public apology for Valtor x Duman (dumaltor) btw. One day I’ll explain how that happened and my involvement. Pinky promise, I still have a ship bingo to bring back so I’ll do it there.

Dishonourable mention to ships with Kalshara. Sort of honourable mention to Ogron x Jason, not a villain ship but idk where else to put it. Brought up by a friend, they’re facial hair besties, it’s fun and silly.

I’m leaving it at this for now. Remember! Do NOT underestimate the power of friendship!! Also pls don’t block me byeeeee

[manda-kat]

i have a creative question for you actually, idk if this is something you can help me with but how do you become obsessed with your characters? i think part of my slow writing progress is just that i'm not so excited about the project that i go out of my way to make time for it

Honestly that's one of my big problems too. Usually the reason I switch between projects so much is because I get bored of the current one. But I can tell you the things I do right before I get excited again and maybe they'll be a good place to start at least.

So I usually will be listening to music and imagining my character's singing or being animated to the song. That's a pretty common one I think.

I also do that thing where I imagine scenarios with my characters as I'm in bed trying to fall asleep. Usually I either imagine whatever happens next in the story (getting some work done in advance!) But other times I'll imagine things I know would never happen and only suit the mood I'm in. Because sometimes my mood isn't suited to the characters I want to think about. So if I want a story about a zombie apocalypse my characters can do that for a bit. Or if I want to have that story where they're trapped in the snow and have to cuddle for warmth. Or maybe two characters have a contrived reason why they absolutely have to kiss each other and- Uh. Yeah normal things. Not bad fanfic about my own characters.

I'm also down to change them at a moments notice if I think it'll make them more enjoyable to me. My tastes have changed and I don't find the same joy in ideas I used to love. Happy, for example, has gone through a ton of iterations and because of it I still want to stare at him doing stupid little things because he makes me happy. I've changed his backstory so many times. He started as a punchline in a comic strip. A bad comic strip. Then he became a vaguely fruity stalker, a cute sidekick, a traumatized punching bag, the comic relief, a blatantly fruity stalker and now he's whatever he is now. I may change him again tomorrow if I feel like it. Obviously with something I intend to publish I have to get some sense of canon, but I try not to become attatched to details that may be holding me back from being obsessed.

Also I base a lot of my OCs off of dreams I have. I think that also means they have connections to my subconscious fears and concerns.

I also try to watch or read things that are similar in genre or style so I get more inspired.

I don't know if any of this helps. I'm not sure I'm great when it comes to motivation considering starting and stopping projects again is my brand at this point. Honestly- you made your characters for a reason so there's something in them that tickles your brain just right. So if you're not feeling it, maybe chop them open and find those things and then make those parts bigger and more catered to your personal brand of obsession. That'll probably also help you build charaterization when writing too. Idk.

Anyway- goodest of luck on the writing! Thank you so much for saying such amazingly nice things to me! I treasure you!

[robertphilip]

Hey! What about some fluffy hurt/comfort headcanons for Robselle? If you want to obvs! :) :)

lmao I typed these, then realized I was mostly just writing angsty headcanons I have, so these don't really fit in the "fluffy hurt/comfort" category, but I'll post them anyway :]

I headcanon that Giselle's pregnancy was pretty hard on her, and stressful, and Robert was always there to make sure she was taken care of. He made sure she got enough sleep/rest, gave her massages whenever she needed them (even if it meant waking up at 3am to give one), and held her a lot. She really needed to be held.

I also headcanon that there was a short period of time where Giselle just couldn't get Sofia to stop crying, no matter how hard she tried. That, combined with Morgan's change in behavior, really took a toll on her, and she started to feel like she wasn't a very good mom. Robert does his best to assure her that she's a wonderful mother, and that Sofia's crying, and Morgan's behavior aren't her fault. I wrote a fic about him comforting her during a small breakdown, but it's very rough atm, and idk when I'll ever finish it rip.

This is based loosely off a scene from one of the scripts, but Giselle is very aware of how some people view her. She knows when people think she's "crazy" or "stupid", and when they treat her like a joke. She tries really hard to not let it get to her, but it isn't always easy to ignore.

They are each other's go-to person for comfort, and the only person they ever really breakdown in front of. (that scene in Disenchanted when Giselle says she "used to be good at things" is truly the Scene of All Time to Me, I wish their little moment was longer)

After the spell broke, Robert had a lot of anxiety about losing Giselle (again!!) and his daughters, whiiiich I wrote about here (x). I've been trying to write more about this topic, because his story wasn't really... resolved or even really touched on in the movie, and it makes me sad. It takes him awhile, and a lot of reassuring from Giselle that everyone is fine, but he eventually feels more at ease as time passes.

Related to that ^ I headcanon he had anxiety after almost losing her the first time too. He never told Giselle about it, but he'd have nightmares about losing her again pretty often, and will sometimes wake up and rest his forehead against her chest softly just to make sure her heart is still beating.

I also think, when they first started dating, Robert worried he wasn't good enough for Giselle, and wondered if she regretted staying with him. He'd make jokes in passing, but there was a bit of true fear behind his words. This is another headcanon I really want to write about, but I can't ever get it right. Some day... some day!!

[theteasetwrites]

The Walking Dead: Daryl Dixon | S1E3 Thoughts

⚠️ SPOILERS AHEAD ⚠️ do not read below the cut unless you’re okay with spoilers

Positive Thoughts

I’m writing this like over a week after watching it so forgive me if I forget some stuff

Anyway… Daryl hot

I loved the Demimonde night club!! The vibes were super fun. I’ll be honest, I was very skeptical about the night club when I first heard about it, but I think they pulled it off really believably.

Loved the use of the catacombs. It’s so cool that the night club is actually located underground in the catacombs, too.

Daryl being absolutely done when they were talking about using the pigeons… so good

Laurent is pretty cute when he gets all happy seeing that photo of his mom 🥹 I like when he excitedly shows Daryl the photo

Isabelle seems so real and raw to me especially in this episode when she freezes up when the walkers show up. I love that she is having a real human reaction (fear). I feel like some people would call her “weak,” but I love it. It’s realistic because even those who are experienced with walkers would sometimes freeze up and get scared. It’s only human

Sylvie and that guy (I forgot his name sorry) are cute together… 👀 I hope neither of them die lol

I love Daryl’s perspective with wanting Laurent to be treated like a regular kid. I think it makes sense for him to want that for Laurent, and he’s right! I don’t think he should be treated like the messiah, but then again, Isabelle and Sylvie actually believe it, so I understand where they’re coming from too

Daryl saying “fuck this guy” about Quinn… I nutted 😮‍💨

Negative Thoughts

Again, don’t read if you can’t handle me being potentially a bit petty and complaining about stupid shit

Laurent is annoying me again. I just kinda hate the whole “I’m so smart I know so much” know-it-all stuff. I KNOW HES A KID but still. I’m allowed to find him annoying ok. And lowkey the fact that everyone thinks he’s so special bugs me idk why lol

Kinda wished they could’ve utilized the catacombs a bit more but maybe they’ll do that later idk

Neither Positive Nor Negative Thoughts

The pigeon thing… some are speculating that it was hinting at Daryl thinking about C*rol. Yeah I don’t subscribe to that belief

[fl3shm4id3n]

ᵢₜ'ₛ ₒₖₐy ₜₒ ₙₒₜ Bₑ ₒₖₐy

𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: 𝐲𝐨𝐮 ���𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐞. 𝐒𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐦𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐤𝐚𝐲, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐞. 𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐢𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐭����𝐤𝐞𝐧 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐞𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐝𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮.

ᴘᴀɪʀɪɴɢ: ʀᴇᴄᴏᴍ ʟᴏᴘᴇᴢ x ꜰᴇᴍ! ʜᴜᴍᴀɴ/ᴀᴠᴀᴛᴀʀ! ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ (ʀᴏᴍᴀɴᴛɪᴄ ᴏʀ ᴘʟᴀᴛᴏɴɪᴄ)

Tw: swimming pool, forgeting to eat and drink water, reader is sad, emotional, comfort, a bit of crying, hugging, fluff.

A/N: idk why my emotions have been off the chain lightly, so I wanted to do a comfort fic with my favorite Recom.

P.s. like the title of the story, it's okay to not be okay, remember to take a break and take care of yourselves. You deserve it♡

Masterlist

You didn't know what was happening the past few days, you couldn't explain why you felt the way you did. You thought it was fine to feel the way you did, sure those days weren't the best, but everyone has bad days that was all.

The base that you were in has pools, they were used for swim training and other stuff. You'd often go to the pools for a swim at night when it was empty. The water made you feel relaxed. You began to go to the pool more often, you'd even go to the pool on your brake even if it was just to dip your feet in the water.

It got worse, you felt as if you weren't doing enough or that you were screwing up a lot. You had to keep yourself from crying In front of your coworkers. You felt as if crying for the little things was stupid and that others would see as a crybaby. So you didn't cry, as soon as you felt tears threatening to leave your eyes you'd rub your face and repeat that you were fine and everything was fine.

Not only that but sometimes your temper would get the best from you. Sometimes you just grow frustrated and take your anger out of whoever, soon after you'd apologize for your outburst and be by yourself for the rest of the day, fearing that you'd lose your temper again.

Sometimes you don't even eat properly or drink water. When you'd get hungry you'd just think about eating later and going back to work. You ate very little food and called it a day. As for drinking water, you'd have a small sip or just not drink anything. It was okay you thought.

At night it was hard to get sleep, sometimes you'd just lay on your bed staring at the ceiling, thinking of how long it'll take for you to get some shut eye. The majority of the time you'd sleep for at least two or three hours, sometimes you couldn't sleep at all, it sucked. But again, you thought it was fine. It was normal for everyone to feel the way that you did... Right?

That day was just like any other, the day felt slower than most, you didn't feel like working but did so anyway, you haven't eaten or drank, you barely drank any water and you only got two hours of sleep. It sucked but it was fine, you had been busy in your work not noticing how one of the Recom's has been watching you.

Lopez has been noticing how your behavior has changed for the last few days. He noticed how you'd get frustrated easily, tried your best not to cry, how you didn't eat or drink, and how you looked just tired of everything. He knew something was wrong with you, he felt horrible seeing you basically ruining yourself in the presence of everyone, and no one seemed to notice but him. He couldn't keep letting you live like this.

It was night time, everyone was asleep or in their rooms. You were at the pools, the only lights that were on were of the blue lights under the water. It looks pretty. You had your feet dipped in the cold water, just staring at the clear water that is blue tanks to the light. You were focused on the water that you didn't hear when Lopez entered room.

"Hey" he made himself known, you turned to see the blue avatar approaching you. He was shirtless and wore a pair of sleeping shorts. "Oh, hey Lopez" you said with a sad looking smile, trying to hide your unhappiness with it. "Mind if I join you?" He asked and tapped the tile floor next to you. Lopez went over and sat next to you, dipping his feet in the water.

It was silent at first, then he spoke. "This place is nice, there's no yelling or anyone in here to bother" he mentioned, you nodded in agreement. "Why are you up? Couldn't sleep?" You asked curiously, since he never really came to the pools this late. "I could ask you the same thing." He said with a playful smile. You felt your stomach turn into a knot and avoided the question a bit. "Yeah, it was a long day today." You said a bit embarrassed.

Lopez noticed his instantly nervous you got. He then scooted closer to your side, then he pulled you close to him giving you a side hug. This surprised you a bit, one of the scariest looking Recom was hugging? Wow, you doubt anyone would believe you. "It's okay you know" he said, this caught your attention and looked up at him. Locking eyes with his yellow ones. "What do you mean?" You asked. But he repeated himself. "It's okay y/n" he said again, but this time he said your name.

One more time but this time he said it more softly. "It's okay y/n" he repeated. Then you felt your eyes beginning to water, then you basically threw yourself at him, wrapping your arms around his strong torso. Allowing yourself to cry onto his warm muscled chest. Lopez wrapped his arms around your frame and stroked your hair. Allowing you to cry and just let everything out. "It's okay" he said again as you sobbed.

It felt great, letting out what you had been feeling for days. It was suffocating you, but now you felt relieved. You stayed glued to his chest until you felt better. He didn't seem to mind that you had basically cried a river on him. "I'm sorry about that" you said wiping your face with the hem of your shirt and even cleaned the snot that had run down your nose. "It's okay, don't worry about it." Lopez said with a soft smile on his lips. "If you ever need to talk to someone or just let everything out, just let me know." He said, making you smile at him. "Thanks Lopez, I really appreciate it" you said still wiping the tears off away with your shirt.

[horrorfolk]

blah blah journaling here bc my laptop still don't work

this week has been super stressful but my car is finally working again and it didn't cost as much as I thought. Chris and I had a little trial run of us living together bc he had to stay for a week to drive me around everywhere (bless him). praying he gets this job he just interviewed for so he can move in asap. and yes I have hangups about moving in with yet another partner after not dating for a total year but like 😭 dude idk how anybody can afford to live on their own. me and Tara can't make rent with just the 2 of us and it'd be really nice to be able to save some money. and after my car broke down I for sure couldn't afford to split the house bills 50/50. it was Tara's idea to invite Chris otherwise I never would have suggested it. and we both have our weird feelings and fears about it, to a healthy degree I'd say. I mean idk. my attitude rn is kinda like, I think I've already been through the worst it could possibly get with moving in with a partner? like there's no way it could be worse than That, even if we do break up. we have our own separate spaces also which was the only saving grace me and my ex had after we broke up so that's good. but I also just don't rly see things going so poorly. I mean idk. u never rly know somebody. but Chris just SEEMS different and has actually told me he wants to marry me and be with me forever etc. he is a more open and honest communicator than anyone else I've ever dated. won't be like my ex where he went off and binged a bunch of drugs then lied to me about it, bought a gun and brought it into our house, cheated on me, broke up w me then threatened me with suicide when I decided to move on. like actually fucking crazy person type shit. I can't believe I put up with so much in my last relationship. literally a nightmare. and I can't believe ppl were blaming ME for all that shit 😭 idfk dude. I'm so glad to be out of that situation and living my life now. as stressful as it is rn with school and work I'm still so much better off than I was. Chris is actually a huge sweetheart and shows me affection and loves me in the ways I need to be. and spends time with me. and talks to me lol. like I'm Sorry but after talking over all this with my therapist for so long I've kinda come to the conclusion that none of that shit was my fault. it sucks that some ppl got caught in the crossfire but again it wasn't my fault. I'll take ownership of going back on my word by sleeping w somebody at the house. that was shitty but also? maybe don't cheat on me and lie to me the entire relationship and I'd actually gaf 😭 he got his stupid little "revenge" for that anyway lmfao. I just fr cannot believe the shit I've been through with the awful awful people I've dated.

in an ideal world Chris and I could live on our own for a bit before we move in together but the job market is fucked, the housing market is fucked, and neither of us could rly afford to do that. sooo we just gunna have to move in together. and I was rly reluctant at first but everyone I've talked to has been super in support of it bc he's just such a good guy. plus we've been friends for a few years anyway so it's not like I started dating this stranger then he moved in. we used to talk semi regularly in college. would have hung out if I ever had time.

for a second I was worried I'm like, a bad person who does horrible things and I Have made bad choices don't get me wrong but like. I'm not evil or irredeemable. I have all these friends now who actually love me?? and I made them myself? wild. also quite literally everyone I've talked to about the past events have been like ya dude ur a victim 😭 I feel more guilty about the shit that happened w Friday than I do w my recent ex. bc some of that was objectively my fault bc I was in such a horrible manic episode I was acting crazy. they did kinda SA me but like. idk man. I'm insane sometimes.

the whole thing with that friend saying that "my stress is not their problem" kinda just. idk. idk if we will ever rly be close again. they kind of refused to apologize for anything they said to me or for screwing me over in housing. plus all the shitty posts they made about me. like idk. we talked it over irl and like kinda made up? but I still don't think she ever even said she's sorry lol. and for months I blamed myself for my ex being suicidal bc of all that. until my therapist and I went over it again and again and I've kinda just realized none of that was rly my fault. if anything staying with my ex after the first incident was my mistake. but I felt rly trapped bc we lived together. that's what is so hard about living with a partner especially when you haven't been with them super long. like idk. I have a good feeling abt Chris. I genuinely do want to spend my life with him. I never rly felt that way abt my ex. even when they were moving in I was like ya this is fine/fun for now. but I never felt like my ex was my soulmate or anything. not that I rly believe in that shit. but Chris and I just connect and get each other on a different level. it's the first time I've ever rly felt truly understood by someone.

the things I feel guilty for are more like, I feel guilty for staying with the people who hurt me even after I've already accepted in my mind that they aren't the one. and I do that bc I'm scared of being alone and scared of confronting myself and the reality that it's not a perfect love story or whatever. and my ex did try to fucking. reel me back in after we broke up and keep me there but not fully there. but I removed him from my life after I had had enough and I am proud of myself for that. I don't need someone like that in my life, even as a friend. wishing the best for u but I don't want to be there to see it. after Friday SAd me I should have just ended it but again I stayed bc I was scared. and what I feel most shame for is manically scrounging up a plan to break up without actually breaking up and then making a fool of myself by "proposing" like God that's just so embarrassing lol. but idk like my therapist said I can't fully blame myself for the decisions I make when I'm in a manic episode bc that's just straight up Not Me. like part of the diagnostic criteria for a manic episode is making choices you would not otherwise make. I'm not crazy. I was just deeply traumatized and triggered and couldn't find a way out of it. then ofc they tried to screw me over in every way possible. I make bad choices in people I date. and I look back and I'm like, but if I'm the common denominator of all these people I dated, aren't I the shitty one?? like surely I pushed these people to madness right lol like they weren't bad people they just became corrupted bc I forced them into craziness. idkkkk my therapist also says I can't look at it like that. and that people with lifelong CPTSD often end up in abusive relationships bc of trauma and patterns and shit. so. there's that

while I am wary of possibly repeating my shitty patterns I also just have a good feeling about Chris. I'm at a point in my life where I'm done dating "for fun" like I actually want to find someone to spend my life with now. and I think he could be it. like idk people are like "when u know u know" and I just Know with him. he's such a good person, basically everything I've ever wanted out of a partner. he's smart as fuck and creative and interesting and sweet and loves my friends and has a lot of his own friends and we have similar ways of thinking and want the same things out of life. same lifestyles and same plans for our futures. he's highly emotionally intelligent and I feel like he'd never lie to me. I can trust him. he's always there for me. he's very helpful and never complains about helping me. he helps without even being asked. like mans fr just did our dishes. and I KNOW THE BAR IS IN HELL but fr lmao. I was a little apprehensive at first about dating, and I'm a little apprehensive about moving in together, but my gut says this is right and will help us both out a lot financially. and emotionally tbh.

so yea those are my updates. hopefully he gets this job and then can move in in September. and then I just have 6 months of school left. it feels like I have to grind forever for the rest of my life but it won't be forever. I just gotta get through this and it'll all be worth it. blaaaghdjdnns

[ghoste-catte]

hi! I'm not sure if this is an odd question but do you ever experience anxiety when it comes to sharing your fics and if so, how do you deal with that? I used to enjoy writing but somehow I got stuck in a loop where I avoid sharing my works out of fear that others will judge what I create but this also keeps me from improving at all. I know content creators are generally told to not worry about making mistakes and that it's also part or the process but I find this is easier said than done.. (this makes me respect any kind of artist so much more tbh. like, I think the worst kind of pressure is the one you put onto yourself and idk how others deal with that?) anyways, thanks for reading, I'm a big fan of yours 🙏🥰

Not an odd question at all!

When I first started writing fic as an adult, I had horrible anxiety about it. I had written maybe 10 "fics" as a teenager, but they were all really short or something stupid I had written with friends. So when I dipped my toes back into fanfic in my 20s, I had to sit in complete isolation in my bedroom, with the door closed, with headphones in. Even though my wife knew I was writing fic, I absolutely could not have her in the room with me. When I first started, I was so mortified that I'd just write G and L if I was handwriting in a notebook, just in case someone inexplicably saw it.

For me, what helped me get over that escalating anxiety and actually post the damn thing was twofold:

I joined an event, where I had assigned prompts and an assigned posting date, so I felt a sense of external pressure and obligation to post.

I had been rolling Hanakotoba around in my head for literal years, and I really did want people to read it.

I do understand the feeling of vulnerability with taking the text and putting it out there for others. There's often, for me at least (still to this day!), a feeling of apprehension about people being able to know things about me based on my work. I overcome this generally by writing for events, prompts, and other people. It both ups the pressure to actually produce and post something and feels a bit less vulnerable: no, see, I wrote this for something; this isn't just my personal id on display.

So if your issue is the mortifying idea of being known, we're lucky to live in a time where you have a few options:

You can post your fic to the Anonymous collection on Ao3, so that no one ties it to you specifically.

You can pick a username that doesn't link to any of your other usernames and not link your socials to the fic, leaving it fully pseudonymous.

You can turn off comments, screen comments, or disallow comments from guest users on Ao3.

You can post the fic and orphan it (though this removes any control you have over the fic like being able to edit or delete it).

You can post the fic with minimal tags (just 'Creator Chose Not to Warn' and a fandom), to reduce the likelihood of it being seen.

Add a disclaimer (even one of those silly tags like 'No beta; we die like Neji') or something in the author's note to let potential readers know how you're feeling. Something like: "Hey, this is my first time posting a fic, so I'm really nervous! Encouragement is very welcome." (The one thing I wouldn't suggest doing is putting something like, "I know this sucks!" - that does genuinely turn people off from reading.)

If your concern is the publication of judgment, I don't think you have much to worry about there. Fandom has largely moved away from a concrit culture (where public posting was automatically assumed to be an invitation for people to critique your work, sometimes harshly). I rarely see people leave critical comments on fic. That's not to say I've never seen them, but they're easy enough to delete and just not respond to.

On the other hand, if you're just worried about internet randos thinking things about you in their head but not saying anything ... I hate to not have very good advice about this, but it really is just something you have to let go. Just like you can't control what anyone thinks of you in real life, you can't control how they think of you or your work online. Your work isn't gonna be for everyone, and that's okay! What matters is that you like it or want to share it.

One last thing: There's no shame in writing for yourself and not publishing. You don't need to publish to improve. If improvement is your goal, check out writing advice blogs, pick apart the stories you like to find the things that make them work for you, and read voraciously. It's practice that leads to improvement, not publication.

Sorry for the essay. I hope this is helpful!!

[mochamoonstone]

୨୧ Diary Enterary 4- 29.11.2024 ୨୧

Hi dolls,

Great news! Mocha found a nice place! The house we were looking into were being stupid, so we managed to chase after two new enquiries. The first house wasn't there, but the second was promisinngggg honey! It was so cute! I'm being serious here. My lucky colour is the EXACT colour as the outside of the house, so it's so funny I got there. There's a big shared garden, and a lovely view of the surrounding area. There's a bus not too far off, so I can get to my campus too! Lovely!

Unfortunately, sill single as hell. Funtimes. I'm kinda chubby, which is always a downside, but like my friends have told me I'm gorgeous or smth. Idk if it's them flattering me, but I'm single as shit rn. I don't know what it is about me that puts people off. Well, maybe it's because I've never been interested in people my age or younger than me. I just want a partner who's a tad bit older, since they tend to be more emotionally mature. Besides, there's always financial stability. Even if they don't love me for me, I'd just want someone to want me, ykanow.

Regardless, i need to get ready for next week. Monday I'm going Christmas shopping for my ma and pa and fam. I love them a lot. Sometimes, it's been hard- hell, I've been a difficult child to raise if my screening was anything to go by. I feel bad sometimes, like a burden. As if I wonder if I didn't exist as to whether my parents would be different people. What's worse is that I don't know either if it would be worse or better. I'm not worthless, it's just I struggle with people. I don't get them- it's like animals. I have fears of anything other than insects, they're such sweet little things. But rats, dogs and anything big enough scares me a little. I don't know what they're thinking. I can't figure out them. My brain never can. I'm impulsive as shit, to the point I've been compared to orange cats a lot in my life and I often do stuff without thinking. It's annoying, and wrecks a lot of my relationships. I try to work on it so much and so hard, but my brain never lets me. It's so frustrating. I can't change. It's so annoying. Because even though I feel that it's something most people can control I just blurt. And I can never quite stop.

Anyway, I need to stop ranting. Sometimes self-pity really sucks, doesn't it. Regardless, I'm needing to take a shower soon, but the soles of my feet ACHE. I'm going to have to get through it though, just stick it out and be as brave as I can be. I guess.

Yours, Mocha

[yiyika1929]

Idk if it's my sleep schedule being messed up (it probably is) but I'm buzzing with THOUGHTS rn about splatoon, so I'm gonna ramble for a bit.

So so, I just got all the diary entries and I had a realization while playing. You know how most of the members from team order can be considered introverts, whereas most of the members from team chaos can be seen as extroverts? Now listen, I know that may be a stupid realization, but that got me thinking.

Order's whole deal was the fact that it's member either struggled with change (had a difficulty adapting to new environments, life changes, etc) or didn't see a point in it (a bit of "if it's not broken, then there's no need to fix it" kind of mentality). So it makes sense for it's members to be somewhat introverts or have some difficulty interacting with people or, making friends. Like, I know everyone is different and not everyone reacts to change in the same way and that just because you are an extrovert it doesn't mean life and its changes are gonna be easier for you, but- BUT, that got me thinking.

And talking as an introvert myself, and someone who had issues with change, I can see why someone who has a hard time understanding or dealing with people may not be prepared for changes, and as a natural consequence may struggle with them.

People who know how to speak to others, how to befriend them and interact with them have a higher chance of making friends, of building support groups. You know, the kind of groups you can rely on when going through difficult times, when dealing with change.

So, it kind of makes sense that most members of team chaos would be either extroverts or just people who know how to... Well, people. As in, individuals who know how to socialize (which I think would be a more appropriate term).

I find it curious because it makes the whole narrative in side order more interesting (kinda sad it wasn't more explored). Like, the whole deal of being scared and alone, and pushing against change because you don't feel ready to deal with it and the world simply pushing back HARDER, leaving you confused and hurt ugh...

Idk, I'm having a lot of feelings about this damn game rn. Maybe the lack of sleep is finally getting to me.

It's just so sad to think about.

And that coupled with one of Pearl's lines about change being good. Like, yeah, it can be good, most of the time it is (thankfully). But, sadly, not all change is. Sometimes things change for the worse and it's horrifying and disturbing. So it's normal for some us to fear certain changes and resist them, specially if you're not used to them or don't know how to deal with them.

But, anyways, I still need to finish the dlc and see if more discussions about that topic come up.

[anosci]

Media Thread 2024

im making a list of media ive watched/played/etc this year with brief thoughts. its going to be far less featured than my music list, but still a bit long.

list below the cut

January

1/ Portal Revolution (2024) i went in expecting a very polished set of portal 2 styled test chambers. i was NOT expecting a story that captured my imagination very good experience

2/ The Ancient Magus' Bride (2017) every review i saw for this said it's bad. huh??. sure it's not perfect but i quite enjoyed it. a bit soft, a bit atmospheric, a bit girly. amazing job actually drawing me into a british fantasy setting.

3/ Violet Evergarden (2018) at worst, it feels a bit like its on rails, maybe eager to lose focus. but overall i rather enjoyed the story of the most traumatized girl in the world slowly learn to be human. idk if its "65th best anime ever" good, but… a lovely ride!

February

4/ Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit (2010) i heard this was somewhere between nfsmw 2005 (which i love) and burnout paradise (which i just Couldn't get into). i heard correctly. i fell in love with this. with the semi-open world. the daynight cycle and weather. and with drifting somehow! (but mostly weaving through traffic.) captivated. also worth mentioning: the cop mode was an interesting variation in gameplay. not my fav, but good.

March

5/ Titanfall 2 (2016) finally playing this and.. yeah I see why ppl were comparing it to HL2. I'm more "nodding along with this assessment" than feeling it, tho… idk. it's good but it doesn't resonate with me. the movement, though! that slaps! is this… schmoovement?

6/ Need for Speed: Heat (2019)

this was hard to get into, specifically because the pacing was just kinda... wack(?) for me anyway. plus a lot of other small little spots of friction. but it was never enough to turn me away (mw2012, burnout paradise)

by the end of the "storyline" races, i found myself having a good time. maybe a mixed bag, but well worth the 3 dollars or w/e it was.

April

May

7/ Rascal Does Not Dream of Bunny Girl Senpai (2018)

a damn good bait and switch. i feel the focus got a bit wobbly in the middle, but i found myself enjoying the overarching exploration of Puberty Syndrome nonetheless. i do not like tsundere but this was played honestly enough that i evaded cringing. the show is an interesting web of relationships centered around a bit of a straight shooter. i think it worked nicely, though i fear it wasn't focused enough to truly stick with me. i cant help but imagine a heavily trimmed version with just the first and final arc. that would've blown some socks.

8/ Rascal Does Not Dream of a Dreaming Girl (2019)

yeah the show was good enough that i watched the movie immediately after. (im not as interested in the 2nd movie tho.) i feel like i chugged a pint of stupid juice before watching this but i still followed the key plot points i think. is madoka genre? there's something satisfying about this explanation of the loose anime thread, though i think this might've worked better as The Anime (RE: trimming etc). a bit of kudos for giving some weight to "it was all just a dream"

9/ Kaguya-sama: Love is War (2019) this show is at its best when it's needlessly dramatic and convoluted. sometimes, it's brilliant. but, sadly, it also wants to stay in the episodic high school romcom genre, complete with serious pining. maybe that part's ok but it's surely not for me. i do not trust this to stay fresh for 3(?????) seasons.

June

10/ Dungeon Meshi (2024) i have the opposite of a soft spot for high fantasy stuff. hate it. this reeks of it. and yet, whenever im watching it, i am FULLY drawn into the world with a sense of wonder and anticipation. there were so many characters and all of them were delightful. my only real complaints were that, especially towards the end, the pacing was wack. feels like they chopped it to bits for the anime... and for what? a つづく? man... ill probably actually grab the manga.

July

11/ Hitoribocchi no OO Seikatsu (2019) it's cute before it's anything else. i was drawn in by a very relatable protagonist that literally has a panic attack first episode, but… that didn't last. I got 3 episodes in before deciding that the show isn't for me. the person that this show is for, though, i think is in for a treat. nako is alright.

12/ Ride Your Wave (2019)

very…. summer. maybe a little too bright for me (not literally but. vibe. ily.) i somehow missed the "supernatural" tag and wasn't sure how grounded to be, which was fun lol everything is connected in a satisfying way, but something didn't quite click for me. not sure what it was. or wasn't. i'd still call it a good watch

13/ Weathering with You (2019)

I saw a review of this that went as follows: "discout kimi no na wa". that's… almost right, but really reductive. it didn't hit as hard for me, but carried an atmosphere all of its own. i think its biggest weakness was deploying the damsel in distress trope for the climax. absolutely throwing away a lot of character development... second weakness was not leaning into the supernatural angle, but I also think that's 100% a matter of taste. I think the two could have been solved in one stone, but meh... aside from that: vibes were off the charts, and the art direction wall to wall great. every frame a painting etc

August

14/ Mother 3 (2006)

for the first time since November 2008 (apparently), I decided to revisit Mother 3.... via Lauren the Flute's Let's Play. I remember way back then that I thought M3 was a little weaker than EB for me. Revisiting it has solidified that opinion for me: It's super strong at some parts and really weak at others, to my taste at least. For the most part, everything I remembered as "my fav bits" from 16 years ago are my favorite bits today. To comment on Lauren's playthrough specifically: at glance, she seemed to be the most emotionally invested. and. yeah! It wasn't the best stream setup, but it was the most resonant. another LP of hers may appear here lol

September

October

15/ Beastars (2019)

Furry anime? "Yes", but the nontherian kind. Zootopia ass. This immediately had me suspicious from episode 1. But then, I kept trying to see if I was wrong. and the show kept delivering some fascinating symbols! the hype was back! and then it threw all of that away. "you were reading it backwards the whole time dumbass". augh. if I hadn't done that, I think it'd be an ok watch. what kills me is that some of the plot threads here would make an INCREDIBLE anime. but they withered away from a lack of focus as some really annoying threads were added instead. also the icky biological essentialism. what a terrible aftertaste. :(

props for having (half of) a really good sex scene though i guess? I was kinda impressed.

16/ Keep Your Hands off Eizouken! (2020)

what a delightful nod to not just the art of animation, but the practice of it. the shitty parts. the deadlines. the overworking. said with reverance!

each of the characters were interesting foils for each other, though to varying degrees. Kanamori became my favorite. she took the role of manager, a role thats somewhat antagonistic usually. yet in here she looked like a badass mob boss, fighting for the creatives, brandishing huge clever strength.

lovely show!

November

17/ BNA (2020)

it is ASTOUNDING how much more I enjoyed this than Beastars. I can't help but make the comparison since they're kind of companion shows: 2020 furry anime. but. god damn.

treating beastmen (furries) as a separate class, like humans with "superpowers", did wonders for the plot.

I think both BNA and Beastars tried to show a rigid system of thinking and say "it doesn't have to be this way. tear down the barriers.", but BNA actually pulled it off. the bad guy became a Big Bad obsessed with racial (species-ial?) purity, whos downfall was literally in mixing blood.

what im saying is BNA is the pro-choice + antifa version of Beastars.

watching this was fun because it was well structured. i picked up plot elements from their foreshadowing. fun! animation great. idk. all around good time, even if i dont think itll stick with me. fun watch!

18/ Haibane Renmei (2002)

I had an itch to revisit this again. it's a flawed masterpiece. and the flaws are all petty things. budgetary stuff. i wish the soundtrack were longer and the shots larger and the folly higher quality. as-is it feels like peering through a foggy window into a beautiful garden.

but MAN it's a good damn garden.

the finale is a bit too "hardcore action" than it needs to be but every other aspect is just. a delight.

i realized this time that my initial reaction to the show was probably heavily influenced by these surface level complaints. "i wish the soundtrack were less orchestral" i probably said at the time. but now i think it should've been more. i can't imagine it veering too far away from what it has. mushishi has its sound and haibane has this sound. iykyk

19/ Charge!! Cromartie High School (The Movie) (2005)

the live action adaptation of the manga, on kenny lauderdale's rec. it's very...... low budget and 2005-core. but despite that, it does a great job at being CLEAR with its delivery of jokes and information. clear hilights for me: the hijacker scene (until the ***ism) and the "getting the team back together by walking towards the camera" scene. also the drugs scene lmao.

there were quite a few jokes and gags that misfired or just didnt work at all, but that might be to-be-expected for a film like this. a fun watch as a fan of the source material, but only just.

20/ Arcane S2 (2024)

holy shit this is drop dead gorgeous 110% of the time. every frame a god damn painting.

the plot felt like A LOT of threads that weave in and out of each other. just when everything feels like it's starting to resolve nicely, a thread you forgot about barges in and undoes everything. rinse and repeat. it's fun actually.

very underwhelmed with the ending but w/e. a nice watch

December

21/

[rocksanddeadflowers]

Best be taking care of yourself !!!!!!!!!

Also I like the idea of it keeping the story in France (because it's a romantic setting and more convienent since that's the original) BUT if we changed the country, consider maybe a Scandinavian country and/or Germany? I feel like keeping it European makes sense, I just particularly like Scandinavian countries and Germany, and mainly they feel slightly more relevant to certain characters. France is probably the easiest though! We could even set it in France and still refer to other countries- Tim and Bertie being more British, Lyf being Scandinavian in some way, Marius being German, etc.

And yes exactly!!!! Everything about the trans parallels/metaphors/experiences just!!!!! So good!!!!!! Carmilla affectionately using ridiculous nicknames like that until he chooses a name.... I love it!!!!!!! She still probably uses those sometimes especially when she's teasing him. (<- also to help drill it into him to never be ashamed of what he is or his differences from anybody. That scene when Belle asks her papa if he thinks she's odd, instead of "What? My daughter? Odd?" (which was still an adorable scene) Carmilla would be more like "Of course you are, but anyone saying that's a bad thing to be is an idiot. All the best people are strange. Do you need me to main or murder anybody for you sweetie? It wasn't that Marius fool was it? I have just the right spot to bury him if he's too much trouble for you.")

...I had someone compare my mom to Carmilla in similar context and I fully see what I am doing now............................

GAH EVERYTHING ABOUT CARMILLA AND BRIAN'S BEGININING........ Brian's first life ending in tragedy and blood- fear and betrayal- because he knew all those people they were close- and though the specifics escape him and feelings stuck- only to be practically reborn and rebooted and being met immediately with love and warmth and excitement and kindness from someone who's basically a stranger and and and febwhbi vfdkjb hfeuj vipefaj sb,jfg ........... the way Carmilla sees Brian!!! The way she cares about him I'm!!! Going insane!!!!! The mother and son relationship is gonna send me into cardiac arrest or something I swear ..........

(Also this begs the question to me that if Victor Frankenstein was a Victoria Frankenstein, would she have abandoned her creation? Or willingly made him at all? Just thinking that bc of the "Frankenstein being an allegory for the horrors of childbirth" and stuff...... I never got deep into Frankenstein deep dives or discourse tho I'm just ramblin'..........Mother and son duo.... sobbing....................)

All that with the tree yes!!!!!! I love that so much......... and the boys holding Lyf safely and protectively for the night to make sure they're okay and don't do anything stupid...................!!!!!!!!!!!!! Determined to take care of Lyf despite any protest from Lyf bc they clearly need it ..... wailing........EVERYTHING UR WRITING!!!! SCREECHING!!!!

Okay so I was listening to the soundtrack again and actually pictured Nastya playing the old women to enchantress role with the rose- Jonny being like "Nastya? What the hell is your deal?" when she reveals herself (Carmilla may have used another small spell to conceal Nastya like that too). She takes the rose and gently tucks it behind his ear, maybe brushing a loose bit of hair with her hand too. "I'm sorry about this, Jonny." Nastya's eyes begin to glow and her hair and cloak start to float around her as Carmilla casts the spell. Jonny stumbles back in fear and shock, so the last thing Nastya sees of his human face before he transforms is genuine fear of her.

Ooo!!!! Ooo oo oo !!!!!! Brian also with the headphones + walk man Carmilla made him again.... (because idk if we're keeping that but I cannot stop thinking about it anyway lol) What if Brian gets sensory overload very easy- like Jonny, but Jonny gets more visually overwhelmed and Brian gets more auditory overload! (Of course both probably deal with both and other things, but they're most sensitive to those specifically.) So Brian wearing his headphones when he goes into town bc there's so much racket and talking that so it keeps him calm! (Sensory overload is often noise related a lot for me, and can also cause physical pain and panic when it gets too bad. Brian doing the headphone thing with the dresses to hurt less and Carmilla always doing what she can to accommodate him!!!!!

Also Brian using the headphones to comfort Jonny during a loud storm. Brian showing him the contraption first, a gift handmade from his mama (<- literally sick about him calling Carmilla mama btw /pos), and plays the music through the headphones before putting them on Jonny so he knows what to expect. Then gently placing them on his ears (that takes a minute to figure out) and handing him the walk man thingy, also maybe guiding him through the controls. The music drowns out most of the storm which calms him down. Also I love picturing beast Jonny walking on two or four legs, so I can see him wearing the headphones, walkman in his mouth as he uses all four legs to walk over to a cozy spot with Brian so they can snuggle..... sniveling pathetically over them rn......

Consider: Marius trying to compensate for his height by "secretly" wearing platform boots all the time (he is still short with those just less so).....

So I like the idea of Marius and Lyf's romance going very slow and not making any majors moves until way after the curse.... but I also like the heat of the moment sort of idea. Marius confessing his love sometime during the mob/climax and Lyf overhearing... After they're all human again Lyf asks if he meant it, which of course he did, more than he ever dreamed he could mean something like that. Lyf grins and grabs Marius, dips him and kisses him very nicely. Marius is bright red and speechless- this is far better than all the rejection he's had in the past......

Idk I love this happening right after the curse is broken, but I also love this happening a few months or a year or so after the curse breaks. Lyf asks Marius to walk with them through the gardens ("Alone please," to two war criminals who pout and walk off) and asks him about what he said that night (and maybe some other things said and done through their past together). They ask if he meant it- he did, truly he did. They ask if he still feels that way now- he scuffs his toe, sheepishly replying "I never stopped loving you, not for one moment." "I was hoping you say something like that." "Wait what really- Oh!" and Lyf still dips and kisses Marius. Either one is so precious to me... but both times Tim and Bertie still are in the background cheering and wolf whistling when Lyf does that. They flip the boys off, not even looking up at them and still kissing Marius.

Also Marius and Toy's friendship is so important to me god!!!!! Lacking extra ideas for them atm but they mean so much to me.............

Severe thunderstorm warning + tornado watch rn so i tried speed running this post in case internet goes out or anything!! (<- did not speedrun very well) 'tis spooky outside. The irony too after writing about Jonny's storm stuff.... Take care of yourself!!! Be back later again probably I am brainrotting like crazy

Beauty and the Beast, but it's the Mechanisms.

Jonny must be the beast because feral Jonny and the whole heart thing... prove me wrong.

Tim or Brian is Belle.

Rest of the Mechs are the servants in the Beast's house. With an exception for Marius as Gaston cause I can totally fucking see it. He would suck at it though because it's Marius. And also, short Marius HC.

This is probably not new. But it's been brewing in my head for a good few months, ever since I put my Mechs OC in the iconic Belle dress.